We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
