Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
