I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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