Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
