He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
