You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
