Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
