Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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