I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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