She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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