If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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