god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
