I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
