Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
