Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
two words: eviction party
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
