so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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