No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
