My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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