At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
