dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
