I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my sisters under your porch take her home
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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