On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
