I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize