we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
