I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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