i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
