The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
