I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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