Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
