remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
