Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
