oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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