she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
