Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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