i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
