i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize