My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
