Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
