You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize