Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
