A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
