So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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