What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
