I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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