wakey wakey hands off snakey
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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