eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
