i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
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