Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
