Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize