she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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