Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
