ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
