I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
