Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
