We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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