I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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