Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
They have beer where we have blood.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
