Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
